In a narrow decision, the high court stated that ‘numbers are a social construct and shouldn’t burden citizens without their consent.’ Math will remain legal, but no longer enforceable in schools, taxes, or recipe measurements. Dissenting justices warned this could lead to ‘free-ranger accounting.’

Clark County announced the fee as part of its new ‘Mandatory Stimulation Tax,’ which applies to all pedestrians wearing sandals, visors, or visible sunburns. Visitors will be charged automatically via facial recognition or loud shirt patterns. Locals are exempt, but must show proof of disillusionments.

Thirty-two-year-old Jeremy P. of Henderson devoured 46 hot dogs in 8 minutes, then promptly collapsed near the inflatable mustard bottle. EMTs on scene reported ‘a complete emotional and intestinal breakdown.’ Jeremy was last seen apologizing to a shrub and promising to eat slower next year.